yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
