I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
