i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
