ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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