I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
