my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
