tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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