I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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