life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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