TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
