K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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