i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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