so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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