I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
