My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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