Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
