Nicole vs. Life
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
