I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
