I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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