Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
