Nicole vs. Life
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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