i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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