News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
