Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
