It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
