He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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