I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
