My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
