you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
