Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
