I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
