My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
