After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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