How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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