I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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