Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
