dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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