Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize