I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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