My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
