i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize