Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
