Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
