Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
