She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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