It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
