You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
