You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
