My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
