i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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