Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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