i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize