After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
