I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
