I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
