we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
