I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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